Being from an Asian immigrant family, I always strived to be nothing short of perfect: partly because I was raised by tiger parents who wanted nothing but perfection and also because I felt like I was representing the whole Asian population in the white suburbs I grew up in. I was- I had to be a mini adult at a young age, showing up 15 minutes early to everything, supervising my mother at school events due to her limited English capabilities, being extremely critical of myself and others, to even the way that I dressed. I constantly was trying to prove myself to others, dismissing my passions and interests for the sake of pleasing others. But that’s not a sustainable mindset to be in, especially at a young age. I, without realizing it, completely changed my whole identity so I can fit the mold of my white suburbs. In turn, I was awkward and relentlessly bullied for most of my life. 

Many people talk about healing their inner child and nurturing them, but to me, I never even had a childhood. I was so limited due to the toxic environments around me that I was almost terrified to make a mistake. If it wasn’t my parents that wanted me to pursue a STEM pathway, it was the people at school that judged me for wanting to be creative and expressive. For these collages, I based them off on the quote “your fear of looking stupid is holding you back”. I remember reading this quote on some random Tumblr blog some time a few years ago, around when America first got placed into lockdown, and it’s truly one of the very few quotes that stuck in my head. I started, and still do, walk through life with that quote constantly on my mind and it has allowed me to start doing rather than being so hesitant. 

Coming to college was liberating. It was a struggle getting here and it changed a lot of my relationship with my family; but I, for once in my life, was fighting for what I knew was best for me, what was best for my sanity. Physically taking me out of a place that was tying me down allowed my mind to explore the curiosity I was so deprived of in my childhood. Now at age 19, I have no shame in talking about mermaids and fairies (two creatures I strongly believe in, call me up whenever and I will tell you why they are real), wandering around with every intention of getting lost, and finding everything about the world somewhat interesting: movements people make, the sounds nature provide, and colors life is- what I would have enjoyed as a child if I was given the opportunity. 

Each one of these collages centralizes around smaller themes under the quote I chose: nostalgia for a childhood I never had, the movement of time that always seemed to work against me, regret for the stagnant relationships with my siblings, and a world that I strongly believe in today. My mother’s eye is placed in every collage, as she is always watching me whether I want her to (usually I don’t). I also took inspiration from Rookie, a publication that played a huge part in why I even do art, when building these and utilized some of the collage kits from their website.